I started drinking at around age 14. Growing up in Patchogue, NY a suburb of Long Island, my friends and I went from little kids who loved to play roller hockey and ride BMX bikes to little kids who found alcohol. We drank in the woods like so many do and once we experienced the effects of drinking and smoking pot, we never looked back.

I grew up in the family restaurant business where as an 11 year old kid, my dad would take me every weekend from Patchogue to the Hamptons where his restaurant was located. I reluctantly and begrudgingly worked for him but eventually enjoyed a little money in my pocket. I saw money as freedom to do some or most of what I wanted which was “party” with my friends.

I managed to graduate high school in 1986 and by this time I was heavily into drinking and I found other stuff to keep the “party” going for days at a time. I should have known then my life was longer my own. I was certainly in denial about the fact that alcohol had already started making daily decisions for me. Decisions like should I go to work? Should I lie to my family? Should I be responsible? Should I get my life together before the wheels come completely off?

By this time working for a paycheck was just a means to an end; drinking and drugging on a daily basis. By the time I was 20ish, I knew the restaurant business so well that I was hired by a company as a an Executive Chef and was given career and relocation opportunities. “Let me get out of New York”, I said, as if New York was the problem. I relocated many times for about 10 years working for 2 different Corporate Restaurant Groups. Every single time I said, “I’ll get my shit together in New Jersey.” Well that didn’t work. Then I said, “I’ll get my shit together in DC.” That didn’t work either. Then I said, “I’ll get my shit together in Charlotte, NC”. That definitely didn’t work. I almost got arrested there.

After some feeble attempts at sobriety between 1995 - 2000 I had created some serious and irreparable damage in my life. I was on the verge of completely alienating myself from my family who did nothing but love me and stick by me through all of my alcoholic destruction. By September of 2000 I burned every aspect of my life to the ground and still thought I was a victim of my circumstances. I said, “if you had my life…blah…blah…blah.” But something changed. I felt a desperation to “fix” my life and I learned that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

On September 14th, 2000, 32 years old, I put the plug in the jug and did what any desperate alcoholic, devoid of self-respect would do; cry like a baby, blame everything and everyone but me for my problems and agree to go inpatient. With health insurance that I was barely hanging onto, I was approved for 12 days in an Eastern Long Island rehab. I was done! I was crushed! I knew I needed to be removed from society for a little while. I went to rehab thinking I just need to stop drinking and my life will be ok. Man was I wrong.

They were talking about changing the kind of person who had to drink into the kind of person that doesn’t have to drink anymore. They said for that to happen I would have to do certain things one day at a time. My counselor told me they would educate me on alcoholism and addiction but when I got out of there I had to join AA, get a homegroup and a sponsor. He said I had to incorporate the 12 steps that were printed on a shade, into my life. They told me I had to get a higher power to basically run my life. They also said I should get a commitment in whatever homegroup I joined. On day one and two of rehab my reaction to all of their advice was … FTN!!! On day twelve when I left rehab I had a new lease on life and was desperate and hopeful enough to jump right into AA.

It was a miracle in the making. Did they brainwash me in my sleep? Did they use subliminal messaging to change my shitty attitude? I wasn’t sure at that point but after reconnecting with some childhood friends who were already in AA I went to meetings everyday and never looked back. I did everything they told me to do and more on a daily basis. I got a sponsor, a homegroup, a commitment and I started picking up a few guys from a sober house and driving them to meetings. I did what my sponsor told me to do and over the next 11 years my relationship with my sponsor and AA as a whole grew immensely.

I was at the point where I could clearly see God working in my life. Undeniable miracles seemed to be unfolding before my very eyes. Life got awesome and magical and I stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. I took a leap of faith into AA and it turned into a leap of certainty as I continued to do the next right thing. I was all in!. I got married sober. I opened a restaurant. I built a house. But most of all I was becoming a really good sober person. I learned to care about other people and to actually be supportive when someone needed me. It felt nice to be needed. My ego and false pride drained out of me and I was slowly learning about humility. For 11 years I rigorously practiced the AA program and principles and took sponsee’s through the steps. I gave back to AA and society as much as humanly possible to stay in God’s good graces. It was working like a charm!!

Sobriety felt almost effortless especially compared to the rewards and gifts of living sober. It was so effortless that at the end of year 11 I slowed down on putting in the effort. This is where my story becomes a real cautionary tale. You know where I’m going with this. Simply put, I forgot where I came from. For the next year with the help of my mortal and spiritual enemies. self-deception and self-delusion, I systematically unwound all of the hard work I put into my sobriety over the previous 11 years. I was literally going backwards through the steps culminating with an explosive relapse that I didn’t see coming. Gratitude gone! Spirituality gone! Emotional sobriety gone! Then the bottom fell out and I spent the next 3 years showing up at meetings fucked up and unable to reclaim the God given desperation that I once had.

The emotional toll on my wife caused her to rightfully exit my life. The emotional toll on my family, AGAIN, caused them to doubt whether I could ever get sober again. Hell, I doubted whether I could ever get sober again. After getting 35 white chips over the course of a 3 year relapse, the only thing I think I did right was continue to show up at AA. I never gave up. For all of you that don’t know it gets a lot harder to come back again and it got a lot worse emotionally than my first go around. Talk about complete incomprehensible demoralization-it was hopelessly brutal.

My last few weeks out there got so dark, I considered giving up. My behavior was reprehensible all I could do when felt immense pain was pray. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. Finally, exactly 3 years and 1 month after my 12th anniversary, which was October 14, 2015, I threw in both ends of the towel. After a multi day tear, and numerous phone calls from my family coupled with my newly found God given desperation, I let my family and friends help. I needed to be driven home because I was in such bad shape. I got some food in my stomach and slept it off.

The next day I got to work on getting sober again. Jumped back in to AA with both feet and a new found freedom and became a new comer all over again. I locked up my home and humbly went to a sober house to remember where I came from. Parked my car in my driveway and had to ask for rides to meetings everyday and night. I was literally starting over. Thank God I did all of that because between my fall from grace and my re-commitment to AA I was able to reestablish a fortified foundation of which to build my new sobriety on. God willing I will celebrate 10 years back in the land of the living on October 15th, 2025. Thank you God! Thank you AA! Thank you to anyone who reads this story. And thank you to my family for never giving up on me!!

Warm Regards,

Ed M. 8/29/25